Why the Internet People Think You're Square, ManBy: Xerjester
E is for Evil and Euthanasia! Loook into my eeeeeeeyyyyessss......
Ok, this latest spout of wholesome goodness is brought to you today by the letter "E". E is for email, and I've been racking up quite a bit recently in my humble little account due to my recent arrival here at ye olde Dot Communism.
Yes, it seems you happy-go-lucky folks out there in the web have decided to shower me with heaps of self-seving hate-a-licious diatribes that are supposed to make me in some large way feel poorly about myself and who I am as a person. These little electronic messages in a bottle are aimed solely at trying, through the latest technology it appears, to destroy my self esteem and send me running for the lands of the Amish, so as to never think about gracing my internet connection again. This was pretty relevant recently in the forums, where two unsatisfied customers decided to rally against yours truly to prove just how smart they were and how idiotic and unworthy of my newfound position I truly must be.
"Heh..this guy isn't NEARLY as cool as your level 45 dwarf Alfonse!" ".....kiss me you fool!"
Well attention all hands - this is your Cap'n speaking: shut the fuck up.
No, really. Take your hands away from the keyboard and the crackpipe, (because it's obvious you smoke it) and back away from your computer.
You aren't accomplishing a damn thing by trying so desperately to e-insult me. Be it here, in my email, or anywhere for that matter. The fact is that I, like many other people with fully functioning minds out there, simply could not care less what you think of us, how cruel you concieve us to be, or simply how much angst and pain we may have inadvertantly or directly caused you. You simply don't mean enough in the grand scheme of things to evoke any type of true response in us. Yeah we'll insult you back. Yes, we will sometimes engage in your tired little flame wars. And yes, sometimes we'll even go to great pains to make sure you never appear to plague us further. But before your inflated ego sprouts a new air supply, understand that these things aren't done because we hate you, but because we believe Social Darwinism is rather humourous in practice.
A fine book on life, love, and American Government policies and why throwing your warm shit at a debate opponent is a viable strategy.
By revealing how truly stupid you are, or getting you offline alltogether, (this preferably due to you swallowing some shotgun) we have thus improved the overall quality of Digital life as we know it on the web.
But, wait. I have a revelation for you oh ye of little mind and big mouth.
You see, little Jimmy, you are not a person.
You see Jane, Timmy is different....and that's bad.
While this may strike you as odd, or evoke some kind of religious response in you, please understand me before you go running out to your Pastor looking for a hand out....or hand job. You are not a person in the sense that you don't exist for me. You, or your words rather, are just that- words on a screen. By themselves, the little zero's and ones that make up your text are harmless, and unemotional. The text that makes up your sentences are in themselves harmless and unemotional, even given punctuation and those faggy emoticons you pepper your emails with. And to that extent, the sentences that make up your emails or your posts are harmless, unemotional and usually contrived misspelled stupidity presented in a haphazard attempt at actual human communication.
So if that is the digital representation of you, ( aside from that ridiculous avatar you ripped off from yet another site) then it is fairly safe to say that YOU are harmless, unemotion, and non-human.
So congratulations! Your - and this is in YOUR mind only, skippy - well thought out and orchestrated play on my feelings has now officially been turned into the latest joke from yet another annonymous source. Oh...heven forbid some Joe Shmuck in Arkansas thinks ill of me...please.
You shure do gots a perdy mout. A/S/L?!!!?!!
,br> This holds true from email to forum interaction all the way down to the LOWEST form of human comminication: the internet CHATROOM and all it's glory. Excuse me while I curl up on the floor in the fetal position and shudder....
It's a little known fact that my first words were, in fact, "Your breasts are too small to sutain my needs mother- bring me the fucking bottle."
....There, that's better
Even in the chat, in real time, where I have access to all your little nuances and different and oh-so-zany combinations of emoticons, 1337 speak, and the always coveted impromptu "All your Base" refference; even there in the midst of op's kicking and topics changing- even THERE, you are nothing more than a collection of misspelled insults and badly phrased racial slurs on a screen. Nothing to even make me bat an eyelash in self-introspect at what you just called me, but certainly enough to make me fall off my chair laughing and sharing your complete lack of a nervous system with others in the room. If your intent was to actually entertain me all along, then you sir, are THE MAN and I owe you for the countless hours of mirth and happiness your fucking void of a hoo-mon bray-nah has brought to me and my friends. You truly are one of the good ones.
"I think he's talking about us, Bill." ".....Kiss me you fool."
The only people who are going to actually take what you type to heart will be the other freaks of the same side-show you star in. The people of like minds will be the only ones in all of e-creation who will give a flying fuckity-hell what you may think of them AND the little game-sprites they like to decorate their posts with. It is only they, and they alone, who will truly feel what wrath can be wreaked over your ICQ. It is only they, good reader, who will feel your 56k bitch-slap.
I gots a five-ah six-ah A to tha mo-fo K to bust sum dial-up on yo azz. Whare's mah muthafuckin DL, BIOTCH?!
As for me, I'll laugh my head off and retort the only way I can to such an "attack". I will put you promptly in your place, and do it with far more cruelty than you can muster. see, since you think I care what you think of me, then you are naturally going to believe that everyone thinks as such, and then you yourself will care what others think of you. So when I reply to your email, forum post, or the latest insult and = sign penis in the chat, my words will carry a bit more sting because they come from a person who genuinely does not care who you are, or what you may be.
In esssence, I will answer that 56k bitch-slap with a cable modem boot to your fucking skull.
No one likes you, because no one cares to choose either way. I have friends on the internet, we all do. But the difference there is who we associate with, and who we converse freely with when we enter the web as KyTtY_4_U, MadDawg35, or in my case, "Xerjester". The web ISN'T real interaction or real life. I don't go by my handle in casual conversation and the people around me don't call me as such unless they don't know any better to begin with. The ones you'll find answering to their screennames are the weirdos like yourself who play FAR too much Everquest, or whom believe themselves to be "1337 h4x0rs" who use their names to inspire fear in others allthough those others may, like me, just think them to be fresh out of the psychiatric ward.
So, just remember the next time you feel like making somone feel a little less aout themselves through your modem:
1. Mommy only lets you play with her 'puter for 5 more minutes before beddy-bye
2. Trying to sound intelligent in a chat while downloading porn is only possible if you can multitask
3. The larger portion of humanity doesn't fucking CARE.
Well that was your slice of ettiquette for today. Chew on that awhile, and let it settle with the other dishes from the synic buffet that a couple of you decided to have seconds from here at Fucksociety and yours truly. Trust me, there's PLENTY more where that came from, and I am a very giving person.
I AM America's original Sweetheart.