S H O V E LBy: Josh
What is a shovel? Webster's Dictionary defines shovel as a flattened scoop with a handle for digging, etc, and shoveling as to take up and turn or toss with a shovel; to dig. But it's so much more complex and intertwined than that. There is a seedy underbelly of the shovel world, that people fail to recognize the existence of. Ever heard of the Illuminati? You know, "Assassinate the President"? Bomb Vietnam? No? The hidden Nazi's next door? Mountains of cocaine? CIA cover-ups? FBI and IRA cahooting? I hope some men show up at my house tonight to take me away. Heh heh, murder the government everyone. Matlock wouldn't have gotten this shoddy shovel treatment.
You see, my whole life I was doomed to go without a shovel to call my own, a Sonny without his Cher, a Macho Man without his Elizabeth, and then the Internet comes along as my savior. I found the Auchubon online hardware store: shovel division, and immediately saw my chance for what it was.
For too long the shovel has been ignored, dogged, an outcast of the tool shed world. But, NO MORE my friends, will I allow this to continue. And neither will Aubuchon Online Hardware Depot: Shovel Division! Teamed with Ames Co. and myself Aubuchon Online Hardware Depot: Shovel Division is proud to present the crème de la crème of the shovel dynasty. These aren't your idiot cousin's shovels.
Why do they make a "ladies" shovel? Don't ask me...I don't know. I just DON'T KNOW! Do ladies need a certain type of shovel-comfort not attained from just a plain, old shovel? One of lifes many ponderings my friends, like the pyramids and SPAM. Something we're just not destined to understand. My personal favourite was the Do-It Shovel. I wish I had a Do-It shovel....so I could Do-It. But don't think Aubuchon's supply ends there, oh no, that's just your teaser, maybe next time will get into the rakes and SPOONS! But for now, With your shovel blood a-boiling, I shall relate my shovel-less life story.
I can still remember the day I knew my destiny: I was 12, fairly young for a man to know his destiny I must say, and my school came up with some ridiculous"time capsule" scheme, and we were all required to write a short essay about what we thought our future had in store for us. Now I'm sure mine involved something about writing this garbage, but on that fateful day, in those few, fateful seconds, it all changed. As the mayor of my hometown, or the Firechief-or whoever the fuck the guy in the bad suit with the comb-over was-took a golden shovel in his hands, placed his patent-leather, Armani wing-tips on the rim, and pushed shovel heaven down into the earth to begin the process of burying our time capsule, I was sold. I grabbed my teacher, Mr. Nestor, and told him I needed to change my essay, he said "I'm sorry boy toy," for some reason he always used to call me boy toy, "but the time capsule is already being buried, there's no time now. Why do you need to change your essay? What are you: A douche bag or something? Only douche bags don't know their future plans." He was pretty cruel, I mean I started crying. Come on, I just wanted to change the essay because my new goal in life had changed. "You dress pretty bad boy toy, you really are a douche aren't you?" Mr. Nestor said, "And here I thought your parents were just being hard on you. Go kill yourself now, no shovels for you." And so I ran off crying. Later that day I saw Mr. Nestor mutilating some bunny rabbits, and doing unsavory things to them, so I kicked him in the sore hole, and killed him.
Now I'll admit that my memory is a little shoddy from that day, but you get the idea. Damn Nestor, sometimes I just like to go downstairs and kick his dead body around the basement for kicks. I e-mailed Will Aubuchon, owner and proprietor of Aubuchon's online Hardware store: shovel division, to see about getting myself a Do-It Shovel. Here's what happened....
Tuesday, February 20, 2001 11:13 PM
I'm a prospective buyer, and I was hoping for some advice. Let's say I needed to dig a fairly big hole, like if I had to bury a large tree stump or something large like that, like a body-size. Let's say I needed to bury something about the size of a human body, what shovel would you recommend for that? I was thinking "Do It Professional" model would be best. It's fiberglass, has a cushion-grip handle and the carbon steel blade. But I'm a little indecisive, I need it kinda quick, but I really want to make the best choice. What model would you recommend?SHOVEL! Yes, my quest had begun, I had started the ball rolling. I could feel a tingle in my belly and my hands were shaking with excitement. To clear up that subject title, they recommend that you put the number of the shovel you want in the subject. But, honestly, who wouldn't see the lame attempt at sick humor in this? A dirty, stupid old redneck, that's who.
Wednesday, February 21, 2001 10:32 AM
Subject: Re: sku=736279
Hello Thanks for visiting aubuchon.comHmm, I never even considered hurting my back while burying my DEAD BODY, WILL! Jesus, I thought this was hilarious. And the idiot actually gives me his personal e-mail address, and phone number. You all have my permission to harass him. But this would not be the end, oh no, I had to have my shovel, I had to see how far I could take this.
Wednesday, February 21, 2001 5:47 PM
Subject: (sku# 759441)thank you
Thank you will, I'm gonna order it as soon as I get the chance. You've been quite helpful, thank you. I was hoping you might be able to help me out with some more advice. I live up in British Columbia, and we get quite a lot of rain up here, and I was wondering if you know a lot about soil and earth and what-not, because, as I said, I have quite a large "package" to bury, but I dont want the soil to erode away when it rains. Is there a particular type of soil I should look for, in any particular place, cause I want it to STAY buried, you know, so I can just get it out of my hair and forget about it?
Wednesday, February 21, 2001 10:37 PM
Subject: Re:(sku# 759441)thank you
HelloOkay, so I fucked up, is this the end? Am I to be denied a shovel yet AGAIN? I WILL NOT SURRENDER. I wont let that bastard Nestor get the better of me again! Notice Will himself is sporting the Do-It shovel. The cocky bastard...fuck him.
Thursday, February 22, 2001 8:04 AM
Subject: we can work this out
Okay Will, I may have said some things I didn't mean, you may have done some things you shouldna done.And I never hard from him again......but, at least now I know-
So there it is: A picture of the the Ames/Aubuchon-sponsored, official dead-body burying shovel. So, buy it, love it, kill and bury with it. Ain't it purdy? You know you love it. I know I do, almost as much as I love the Do-It shovel. Well, for now I will have no satisfaction in my shovel quest, but mark my words: SOUP IS GOOD FOOD! Wait, no, THIS IS NOT OVER! Mark them both, 'cause they're both worth marking. It does make a good meal you know? If you have any shovel trials and tribulations stories, fetish-like secrets, or even just an itch to brag about how great your life is with your shovel. ANYTHING, you can e-mail me, send me pictures, whatever you want. I'll be waiting though, so don't disappoint me. I don't handle rejection well.