a n i m a t i o n . w o r d s & p i c t u r e s . f o r u m

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S H O V E L

By: Josh
03.07.01

What is a shovel? Webster's Dictionary defines shovel as a flattened scoop with a handle for digging, etc, and shoveling as to take up and turn or toss with a shovel; to dig. But it's so much more complex and intertwined than that. There is a seedy underbelly of the shovel world, that people fail to recognize the existence of. Ever heard of the Illuminati? You know, "Assassinate the President"? Bomb Vietnam? No? The hidden Nazi's next door? Mountains of cocaine? CIA cover-ups? FBI and IRA cahooting? I hope some men show up at my house tonight to take me away. Heh heh, murder the government everyone. Matlock wouldn't have gotten this shoddy shovel treatment.

You see, my whole life I was doomed to go without a shovel to call my own, a Sonny without his Cher, a Macho Man without his Elizabeth, and then the Internet comes along as my savior. I found the Auchubon online hardware store: shovel division, and immediately saw my chance for what it was.

LET THE SHOVEL BEGIN

For too long the shovel has been ignored, dogged, an outcast of the tool shed world. But, NO MORE my friends, will I allow this to continue. And neither will Aubuchon Online Hardware Depot: Shovel Division! Teamed with Ames Co. and myself Aubuchon Online Hardware Depot: Shovel Division is proud to present the crème de la crème of the shovel dynasty. These aren't your idiot cousin's shovels.

Ladies Shovel - That's right fellas, for the woman has everything, why not surprise her with that American made, long handle round point "Ladies Shovel", with a forward-turned step. This baby sports a 44" handle and a slender ›" X 10-1/4" blade. Who says femininity doesn't extend even into the hardware world?	Shovel - This Falcon Label beaut has a more manly 47" handle for the man who's serious about his digging. Ideal for grave-digging, and might make a nifty center-piece for your next family reunion or get-together. So forget Female Viagra fellas, 'cause if this one doesn't get her hot, then you're probably fucking the dog, and we recommend you to the trowel and spade division.
The Do-It Shovel - Do you Do-It? I'm sure you do, I do, hell, we all do, so why no Do-It right with the Do-It shovel? Yes that is the Do-It's trade-mark lacquered, northern-ash handle, you really get what you pay for with this one, connoisseurs. Like if this shovel was on the shovel baseball team, he'd be first at bat, and he'd hit a home run. You know, he's EVERYONES friend.	The Do-It Best Shovel - But let's not jump to conclusions when it comes to Doing-It, because if you're gonna Do-It, why not Do-It Best with the Do-It Best shovel? It sports a rugged 16-guage heat-treated blade, and you guessed it, the northern-ash handle has returned, but this time with a comfy vinyl hand-grip. This one would would be the alcoholic football star dating the rake head-cheerleader.
Pony Shovel - I know what you're thinking: Ponies don't have hands, how can they use shovels? Well shut up, ponies are people too. Do they not shit? Do they not cringe when they step in that shit? I think they do, and now farmers need not worry about shoveling that shit up, because now your pony can do it for him or her-self. Why not amputate a horses leg and attach the far more comfier Pony Shovel, or hell, why not two or three. Your Pony will thank you, your dung will thank you, and your pony will thank you.	Roofers Spade - In need of a conversation piece at your next dinner party, roofers? Look no further. Look-no-further. Hey, it's small, and lightweight enough to serve hour on. And if you've been looking for that one weapon that's right for you, it's small, lightweight, and you can scoop up brains when you're done. Who says roofers don't garden? I don't, and neither does Aubuchon damnnit!

Why do they make a "ladies" shovel? Don't ask me...I don't know. I just DON'T KNOW! Do ladies need a certain type of shovel-comfort not attained from just a plain, old shovel? One of lifes many ponderings my friends, like the pyramids and SPAM. Something we're just not destined to understand. My personal favourite was the Do-It Shovel. I wish I had a Do-It shovel....so I could Do-It. But don't think Aubuchon's supply ends there, oh no, that's just your teaser, maybe next time will get into the rakes and SPOONS! But for now, With your shovel blood a-boiling, I shall relate my shovel-less life story.

I can still remember the day I knew my destiny: I was 12, fairly young for a man to know his destiny I must say, and my school came up with some ridiculous"time capsule" scheme, and we were all required to write a short essay about what we thought our future had in store for us. Now I'm sure mine involved something about writing this garbage, but on that fateful day, in those few, fateful seconds, it all changed. As the mayor of my hometown, or the Firechief-or whoever the fuck the guy in the bad suit with the comb-over was-took a golden shovel in his hands, placed his patent-leather, Armani wing-tips on the rim, and pushed shovel heaven down into the earth to begin the process of burying our time capsule, I was sold. I grabbed my teacher, Mr. Nestor, and told him I needed to change my essay, he said "I'm sorry boy toy," for some reason he always used to call me boy toy, "but the time capsule is already being buried, there's no time now. Why do you need to change your essay? What are you: A douche bag or something? Only douche bags don't know their future plans." He was pretty cruel, I mean I started crying. Come on, I just wanted to change the essay because my new goal in life had changed. "You dress pretty bad boy toy, you really are a douche aren't you?" Mr. Nestor said, "And here I thought your parents were just being hard on you. Go kill yourself now, no shovels for you." And so I ran off crying. Later that day I saw Mr. Nestor mutilating some bunny rabbits, and doing unsavory things to them, so I kicked him in the sore hole, and killed him.

Now I'll admit that my memory is a little shoddy from that day, but you get the idea. Damn Nestor, sometimes I just like to go downstairs and kick his dead body around the basement for kicks. I e-mailed Will Aubuchon, owner and proprietor of Aubuchon's online Hardware store: shovel division, to see about getting myself a Do-It Shovel. Here's what happened....

Tuesday, February 20, 2001 11:13 PM
Subject: sku=736279

I'm a prospective buyer, and I was hoping for some advice. Let's say I needed to dig a fairly big hole, like if I had to bury a large tree stump or something large like that, like a body-size. Let's say I needed to bury something about the size of a human body, what shovel would you recommend for that? I was thinking "Do It Professional" model would be best. It's fiberglass, has a cushion-grip handle and the carbon steel blade. But I'm a little indecisive, I need it kinda quick, but I really want to make the best choice. What model would you recommend?

SHOVEL! Yes, my quest had begun, I had started the ball rolling. I could feel a tingle in my belly and my hands were shaking with excitement. To clear up that subject title, they recommend that you put the number of the shovel you want in the subject. But, honestly, who wouldn't see the lame attempt at sick humor in this? A dirty, stupid old redneck, that's who.

Wednesday, February 21, 2001 10:32 AM
Subject: Re: sku=736279

Hello Thanks for visiting aubuchon.com
SKU #736279 would work fine, but it may hurt your back. I would suggest SKU #759441.
Contact me directly at will@aubuchon.com (or 800-282-4393 ext 1123) with any further questions. Have a great day. Will Aubuchon Hardware -- Since 1908

Hmm, I never even considered hurting my back while burying my DEAD BODY, WILL! Jesus, I thought this was hilarious. And the idiot actually gives me his personal e-mail address, and phone number. You all have my permission to harass him. But this would not be the end, oh no, I had to have my shovel, I had to see how far I could take this.

Wednesday, February 21, 2001 5:47 PM
Subject: (sku# 759441)thank you

Thank you will, I'm gonna order it as soon as I get the chance. You've been quite helpful, thank you. I was hoping you might be able to help me out with some more advice. I live up in British Columbia, and we get quite a lot of rain up here, and I was wondering if you know a lot about soil and earth and what-not, because, as I said, I have quite a large "package" to bury, but I dont want the soil to erode away when it rains. Is there a particular type of soil I should look for, in any particular place, cause I want it to STAY buried, you know, so I can just get it out of my hair and forget about it?

Wednesday, February 21, 2001 10:37 PM
Subject: Re:(sku# 759441)thank you

Hello
Unfortunately, we do not currently ship outside of the United States.
. Have a great day. Will Aubuchon Hardware

Okay, so I fucked up, is this the end? Am I to be denied a shovel yet AGAIN? I WILL NOT SURRENDER. I wont let that bastard Nestor get the better of me again! Notice Will himself is sporting the Do-It shovel. The cocky bastard...fuck him.

Thursday, February 22, 2001 8:04 AM
Subject: we can work this out

Okay Will, I may have said some things I didn't mean, you may have done some things you shouldna done.
"You got to know when hold 'em, Will
you GOT to know when to fold 'em
you got to know when to walk away, and you got to know when to run."
That's Kenny Rogers Will, that's my pappy shilling the good shit right there.
NOW I WANT MY SHOVEL!!!!!!!
Don't peddle me no shit about not delivering to Canada or whatever........i want my shovel will.....i want it now.

And I never hard from him again......but, at least now I know-

So there it is: A picture of the the Ames/Aubuchon-sponsored, official dead-body burying shovel. So, buy it, love it, kill and bury with it. Ain't it purdy? You know you love it. I know I do, almost as much as I love the Do-It shovel. Well, for now I will have no satisfaction in my shovel quest, but mark my words: SOUP IS GOOD FOOD! Wait, no, THIS IS NOT OVER! Mark them both, 'cause they're both worth marking. It does make a good meal you know? If you have any shovel trials and tribulations stories, fetish-like secrets, or even just an itch to brag about how great your life is with your shovel. ANYTHING, you can e-mail me, send me pictures, whatever you want. I'll be waiting though, so don't disappoint me. I don't handle rejection well.

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