Drunk With Power - An Investigative ReportBy: Ass-Slapper
Hitler. Napoleon. Jean Cretien. All have sipped from the heavy, slightly metallic cup of power, and have allowed its heady contents to ravage their respective senses of humility and reason. You just have to look at the recent happenings in a place like Africa to know just how horrific a person can be when they exercise a majesty that they aren't mature or intelligent enough to handle.
No relevance to the topic at hand...I just think it's a good picture. *Insert boner here*
The latest inductee to this neo-fascist Mickey Mouse club of insanity is D3dBdyM4n, referred to herein as Cockface McFuck. A small, petty man, with no discernable penis, Cockface McFuck recently took it upon himself to lay the proverbial smack down upon all Fuck Society members who ever entered the IRC chat room.
Like a fat, juicy pig to the trough, he feasted upon member after member, brimming with maniacal glee as his chubby little fingers made sweet, violent love to the "ban" button. Nearly everyone was subsequently unbanned by a more mature, responsible IRC administrator, but the point is mute - Cockface McFuck came into our chat room, and tossed his lard-induced weight around for no better reason than because he could. At that moment, he had the power - unyielding, unchecked - and he decided to use it.
Cockface McFuck, doing what he does best - swallowing large items down his whore throat.
His claim that some members committed IRC foibles is also irrelevant - Cockface, as a responsible IRC cop, would have punished those responsible, and they alone. Besides, his accusation that FS members entered other rooms and "caused problems" is about as logical and justifiable as putting a pack of hungry dogs in front of a sack of steaks, and then slapping one of the beasts on the nose for trying to eat, as the rest of them gorge themselves into a food coma. Have other users not entered our channel, and willingly pissed us off enough to warrant such a swift and abusive response? Between the Mega-Christian fundamentalist zealots and the ten year olds with sailor mouth, I just don't know where to point the finger of blame. In short, if Cockface did his job with even an ounce of professionalism or intelligence, he would have policed them before any harm was done.
Theo...victim number one...and the finest soldier this marine has ever served with...*sniffle*
This sermon has no true purpose...I'm not attempting to be funny, witty, or wise. It is merely an examination of the events that transpired on that fateful day, and an honest analysis of Cockface McFuck, and his obvious abuse of power. I hope you read this, D3dBdyM4n, and bar me from IRC chat for life - it would be the ultimate justification, and confirmation, of every word herein.
Bottom line - you put a lot of my fellow Fuck Society members through the ringer, simply because you're a fat, lonely asshole who wraps duct tape around mice so they don't split open when you fuck them. Granted, I don't get along with some of the people in the FS chat room, but what you did was equivalent to fucking with family. It's a shame that text is all I can beat into you at this juncture. Open wide, motherfucker.
What do you do for an encore? Unload a combat shotgun into a kitten's face because it takes a "threatening" swipe at you? Telling airport security that you have a bomb is a threat. Waving a knife in someone's face is a threat. Having some anonymous girl in an anonymous chat room tell you that "I'ma Kill someone" is just about as non-committal as sharing wedding vows with a prostitute.
Another victim of Cockface violence at its worst. She's a real fighter, that one!
How do you classify the varying degrees of threat, Cockface McFuck? If Lobster's words can be construed as a threat, then wouldn't the "oh, man, I'm gonna kill you!" of a friend while joking around carry the same implications? I have an alternate theory - you are a complete and utter asshole. You searched for an excuse to fuck with us, and when none clearly presented itself, you created one...moulding a monument of fecal matter out of nothing. It just so happened that Lobster was the victim.
"Die you fucking Nazi." This is your perceived threat - the straw that broke the camel's back, the one that made you shrivel up into the fetal position and cower like the little school bitch that you are? The biggest question, in my opinion, must be "what are you hiding?" Are you a Nazi? Do you get off on the idea of raping a Jewish woman while tossing her husband into an easy bake oven? Do you believe that Poland is a nice place to start a family getaway? If you answered "no" to these questions, then why in the name of fuck would you be concerned about Lobsters violent hatred towards Nazi's? Of course, if you answered "yes," then your banning of Lobster was justified - as will my shooting of you in the face will be. Your banning of Lobster was petty and unnecessary, and try as I may, I cannot find it in my heart to understand what prompted you to do such a thing...I can only see your actions for what they were - shit from a shit disturber.
Those eyes. That smile. How could a Cockface possibly ban a woman like Louts?
Who are you, Yogi fucking bear? Lotus essentially laid out a fat, sopping wet picanic basket full of indignant justice, and you pounced on it like a crack whore to a black cock with $10 wrapped around it. With one, spiteful click of a button, you provided us all with incontrovertible evidence that, not only is Lotus infinitely more intelligent than you, but that you are, in fact, a sniveling retard capable of only simple, monkey-like tasks. In short, the trap was laid, you were informed of the nature and location of said trap, and you still stumbled into it ass first. Shame on you, Cockface McFuck, shame on you. Oh, and by the way...Lotus asked you for proof of previous FS member indiscretions, to which you replied "I have four logs." I can say that I have a 14" cock, but unless I slap you in the face with it, you only have my word to go by. It's called evidence disclosure, Chief - and without it, you'd only get a conviction in China.
I hope so...I hope so...
Your banning of Lobsterchick for a non-descript, glancing joke of a threat was bullshit enough; banning Louts for an obviously baseless joke of a threat, clearly set up to test you, reeks of septic storage. You turned Lotus into a martyr, while making yourself look like the gaseous fucktard that you are. Congratulations! You score a double whammy!
3. CKY / A-Jew
This is, apparently, all the persuasion you needed to ban him from IRC for life. Let's examine this further, shall we? You were instructed to suck the ass of a...CHNCK...? Do you know something the rest of us don't? Was this a threat to your life as well? Do you even know what a CHNCK is? Unless this is some secret code for "I know your address and will kill you while you sleep," you possessed no legitimate reason to ban CKY - other than the fact that you could, and his pissing you off persuaded you to resist being amicable. A hearty congratulations to you. Cunt.
Cockface's little slice of heaven. He hides his computer under the shit tank...Shhhh!
4. Chris Creasy and Ass-Slapper himself
Like a brother, Chris was, in that neither one of us said a word during transpired events, and yet still suffered the ban-cock in the eyeballs. Repeat after me, Cockface McFuck - I am a little bitch. I am a Malaysian judge. I like to punish people for no reason other than who they associate with irks me.
Notice my sly, 'I like sex with animals' glare...Prrrr!
If Chris didn't type anything, then why was he banned? As for myself, I wasn't even in the room during the "discussion." Why was I banned? Do you know your name? Where are you? What day is it? What severe brain injury persuaded you to take such an unjustifiable course of action?
MIA since that fateful night. In possession of four Vietnamese brides. Lucky bastard.
This reminds me of Judge Judy, and how, regardless of the evidence, she'll still base her decision on who she likes more. In Ralf's case, his crime was showing Cockface just how absurd his actions were. "It was a generalized statement," and "If your name was contained, and a direct promise, then you might consider it a threat" are simple, concise, unarguable points that highlight just how much of an asshole Cockface really was.
The way he shoves that into his nose makes me horny like you wouldn't believe.
And so, just like a child, you refuse all manners of logic and accountability, opting instead to ban the revealer of your folly instead of apologizing for a misunderstanding. Sharp as a tack, you are...and every bit as intelligent. You know, I feel the same way about you as I do Judge Judy - you're a miserable cunt who likes to rape little boys who are dressed up in Anne Geddes animal suits. Fucking pedophile.
Add a bathroom, and it can be the palace you always dreamed of, you pretty little bitch!
See this? This is your kingdom, Cockface. Inside this machine, you have purpose, power, authority - you are master of a world within a world. And within this global community, you can end someone's life, simply by typing a small phrase. Your mouse is a sword, your keyboard a shield, and with them, you strike down those who offend you in any way, shape, or form - regardless of whether or not their actions dictate such a response. Cockface McFuck...buddy...that's not power. What you have is sad, fleeting, vaporous.
You see, outside of that little box, you are nothing. You take "Java for beginners" at the local community college night classes building, spend your weekends compiling that deccid Linux kernel that will undoubtedly make you the envy of your two virgin friends, and eat copious amounts of cheezies while watching re-runs of Stargate SG-1. Not even masturbating to video of 7of9 fucking Counselor Troy with a strap-on can adequately wash the taste of failure and despair from your mind. You make your nest in the basement of your parent's house, and steal your father's beer. You are nothing - and you fucking know it.
Our favorite IRC cop on a night out with the *snicker* little lady and her friends. Ménage a tois, perhaps? *shudder*
That voice in the back of your head? That's not Roddenberry telling you to write the next Star Trek TV series. It's the nagging, unavoidable realization that the world doesn't need you, or want you. In the IRC server, you are an admin, and have a purpose. Outside, you could die, and the only eulogy afforded to you would be a loud, wet fart of disdain.
Oh, you tease! Stop giving me those heart melting bedroom eyes!
When all is said and done, life will continue on both sides of the fence; we will continue chatting in your IRC server, and you will continue to police it. Whether we like it or not, you will continue to have power over us in this small, textual world - but outside of it, you are the crumbs of a cookie - unwanted residual matter, insignificant in the grand scheme of things. Hurts, doesn't it?
Here he comes, Cockface...daddy has that fire in his loins, and only you can extinguish it...
Allow me to introduce you to Lotus, Lobsterchick, Ralf, CKY, Chriscreasy, Random Artwaste, Theo, Insomnus, Megatrout, and anyone else I haven't mentioned (which I apologize for.) They are all more important and worthwhile than you ever will be. Keep banning us...we'll keep trying our best to give two shits, and will valiantly attempt to acknowledge your existence. In the words of your father every night when mommy falls asleep, "take it and like it, you filthy bitch." I've already wasted enough time on you.