Saturday Mornings, A Bowl of Cereal and Some Religious BrainwashingBy: Josh
Who didn't sit around in their pj's when they were a kid and watch cartoons every saturday? I did, I still do, I'd have a big bowl of cinnamon toast crunch, and life was grand. Now I bet you're thinking that Sunday morning is reserved for brainwashing our kids. But no, religion is an expanding monopoly. I was thinking about all the ways in which religious dogma seeps into our heads in everyday life while watching a Masters of the Universe cartoon, contemplating my first sermon. What I realized threw my next sermon out the window. This one practically wrote itself. Children's cartoons! They've been bashed for desensitizing kids to violence, and, in Disney's case, displaying subliminal sex messages. But I'd never really heard any theories as to how they try to brainwash kids into religion. Well, there's a first for everything. Let me elaborate.
Look at The Smurfs for example. Really look. Let's brush aside the whole KKK thing for today, 'cause we're talking about God. Perfect Catholic ideological representation with this one, right down to how females are objectified and devalued. Of course I mean . . .
Look at her. They make her look like a smurfy whore for fucks sake. She's also the only woman in the village, are they really trying to tell us that women are that dispensable? You could claim that she was the Virgin Mary figure, but there was a Baby Smurf, so she was no virgin. And I don't think the Virgin Mother would wear mini-skirts and high heels.
"Maybe THIS will be strong enough to get Smurfette to put out . . ."
Then you have Papa Smurf. Papa Smurf, with his red cap, is the smurfy Cardinal that everyone looks to for wisdom, advice and a sermon on good, smurfy behavior. Of course he's wise, he's got a beard. A beard! And there's . . .
Hello smurfy papal figure. If I ever saw a pope with blue skin, who was three apples high, this guy is it. Any guesses as to what the Pope's choice of literature would be? Holy Shit, look at HIS beard, he must be a million smurfy times wiser than Papa Smurf.
Gargamel makes up your Jewish minority. Look at his nose for fucks sake. The Church was playing on kid's pity factor by making themselves out to be the victims. Gargamel was trying to catch and eat them in every episode, as in, taking Catholic believers and swallowing them up with his poisonous religion. They tried to show a little humility by making themselves tiny sized in comparison to Gargamel. Is there no smurfy end to it?
Next up? Masters of the Universe. The tool of Catholic brainwashing at it's most blatant. First we have He-Man, or as I like to call him, Jesus. As the "most powerful man in the universe", you see what I'm saying. He's a big, tough Jesus for all the kiddies to look up to. Prince Adam is son to a king, The only king in Eternia if I recall, so King Randor is God for sure. Making He-Man, obviously, the fucking Messiah. He-Man's Mother isn't the queen though, Prince Adam's mother was the queen. He-Man's mother is the Sorceress, although they never actually say this. She's the Virgin Mary figure who resides in Castle Grayskull: the only place she can use her powers, or as I like to call it, Heaven.
JESUS THE VIRGIN MARY
Immaculate Conception here, 'cause the King can't have cheated on the Queen, those aren't the proper values to teach kids. Also, notice the cleverly down-played crucifix on He-Mans chest. They really don't try to hide this shit. What about his sword? Well, there's your crucifix man. It's right there - where does He-Man get his power? How does he smite the non-believers? What's the unexplainably magical object in Eternia? The symbol of Eternia's righteousness. . .
Then there's Skeletor, remember him? He's the atheist of the group.
So blind to Catholicism that he has no eyes . . .
In my opinion, Skeletor was more than we were made to believe, or even the writers intended. He was the bumbling fool. Constantly trying to destroy He-Man, who we know is Jesus, like atheists try to destroy religion (according to the Church). He-Man smote his ass repeatedly of course, but I see a different Skeletor. Skeletor was the smartest one on the show. Every episode he came up with a new invention to discover the "secrets of Castle Grayskull," which I only assume is the of knowledge of existence, like "why are we here", "is there a God?" My man was just trying to find out some answers, but we can't let that happen, now can we? His magic was obviously the Church's way of vilifying the Pagan, Wiccan and Druid religions, but they really reserve that special honor for . . .
The even-more-bumbling-than Skeletor character
Orko. Orko is the Wiccan of the family and he's also the smallest character on the show. A little symbolism here? He constantly fucks up his spells, obviously illustrating that they think magic-based religions are foolish Jibba Jabba. Poor, poor Orko, he just couldn't do anything right. But thankfully we had Jesus to save the day.
Moving On . . .
"I'M JESUS. TEE HEE!" shouted Lion-O, who then promptly wet his underpants.
The man was cool, magical, and one hell of a badass. But whenever he saw his reflection, he was turned into a small, weak mummy. This is the brainwashers way of telling us that Hinduism, Buddhism, and other eastern religions can be defeated and sent running by just by revealing to them that they are not as good as The Holy Trinity thinks it is. And, lastly, What religiously dogmatic 80's children's cartoon would be complete without . . .
Meet Jaga, now I think there was supposed to be some guy called Claudus who was supposedly Lion-O's dad, it's been a long time since I've seen the show, but I do know that Jaga's the all-fucking-mighty, who's in that other dimension-that's-actually-Heaven thing like the Sorceress. And Lion-O acts like he's his father. I don't need it spelled out here. Does no one else notice this shit?
But, oh how could I forget Snarf, the church's secret way of saying that they don't mind Homosexuals practicing, as long as their short and stupid, and never do anything worthwhile.
YABBA DABBA GOD!!!!!
Yeah, I'm going there. The Flintstones. The first televised weekly cartoon show. This is where it all started folks, back in the '60's. But all I really have to say to prove their brainwashing intentions is . . .
MAN AND DINOSAUR -
MEET GEORGE JETSON HIS WIFE JANE
THEIR SON ELROY
What can i say? I can't stand Judy
Finally someone with some balls is willing to take on the monopolizing powerhouses hidden behind their rosaries, and let the kids know what was goin' down. Now this cartoon was obviously created to disprove the existence of god on a few fronts. Allow me to explain.
First we have Astro
At first glance, I bet you're thinking "So What? He's their dog." But no, fools, he can talk, which means he is no ordinary dog. And since this show is in the future, Astro must be an evolved Dog, disproving God and the whole entire fucking religion with one big "Ri Reorge". You may be thinking I'd have to add Scooby or Scrappy Doo to this list. But we all know that those dogs talked because Shaggy dropped so much acid that dogs could talk. I mean fuck man, he was starting to sound like Casey Casem. They're exempt. Totally. All credit for this one, goes to Astro, and Astro alone. Secondly, and most importantly, We have . . .
Once again you're probably thinking, "What the fuck is he on?" Well, I haven't slept in a while. But no, hear me out. Rosie is a robot, right, but in various episodes, she has physically cried from some form of Robot pain. She's also made jokes, and shown many ranges of emotions that even Judy couldn't pull off. What does this prove? That there is no such thing as a soul. God created man, God gave man a soul, right? Wrong. Human's evolved from some dinosaur shit and built a carbon copy of themselves in a robotic maid; identical to humans in all but look. If souls existed, and Rosie had one, then man would be God. Nowhere in the Bible does it make mention of Robots, so I'm gonna assume that God didn't magically give Rosie a soul either. Rosie exists to clean house, and disprove the existence of God. She'll probably be cleaning up the puddles of Sunny D too.
So there it is, interpret it as you will. Maybe I'm just not sleeping enough, maybe I'm just paranoid, and maybe, just maybe I'm insane. I mean, those are all shows I used to love, and it's really fucking creepy to me now. Just think, the next time you're watching He-Man, and he takes out his "magical" cross and says "by the path of righteousness, I have the power, I am Jesus." Just think about it. And then go kill some puppies.