Robert Blake: Dumbass. The Public: DUMBASSIESTBy: Josh
The public's obssesion with celebrities in the news is sickening: I can tell you all the sordid details of Britney and Justin's break-up, right down to the battle over who gets to keep their mansion, all from listening to a radio station that doesn't even play their music. In so many cases these days, many celebs find themselves better known after they brutally hack up their wives and best friends. I knew O.J. as "that guy who's in Naked Gun for about 30 seconds," and even then, I didn't know his name. Yet his Hi-Speed Police Chase interupted my regularly scheduled programming, when any other asshole in a SUV who thinks he can outrun A FUCKING HELICOPTER gets lumped onto FOX's wednesday night "World's Zaniest Police Chases." at 4am. Now, thanks to the magic of television, I know more about him then I'd care to, down to what size golf glove he wears.
Liable? What the fuck does liable mean?
don't confuse The Juice with new words
Allow me to make another exmaple: Are you addicted to drugs?
Are you in a popular rock band?
. . .well, no, but I-
No one gives a shit. Next.
But my biggest role was as 'the drug addict'
And if we can't find a superstar to gossip about, we'll take the next best thing: the Robert Downey Jr's, the Vanilla Ice's, the Robert Blake's. How many people die of a Heroin overdose every year? How many in Seattle alone? How many have I heard of in the news? 2: Kurt Cobain and Layne Stayley. How many questions am I going to ask, and then answer, throughout this post? WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO KNOW?
How many of you know who Robert Blake is? THE SAME NUMBER THAT SHALL ESCAPE ANSWERS-HIS-OWN-QUESTIONS MAN - ZERO. I had no idea who he was until last week, when all I heard on the news, and in the papers was "Actor Robert Blake on trial for Murder."
OOOHHH He's an "actor" I guess we better care. He starred in a cop show called "Baretta," in the mid-70's, and hes done pretty much shit all, except kill his wife, since. So why do we care? I think we raise anyone with a name in show business, for simply singing in key, or being able to pretend they understand Shakespeare, onto some shiny, golden pedestal we ourselves are too lowly to achieve. We feel cheated, lied to, when we find out they're normal (normal in that psychopathic murderer/drug addict/answers-his-own questions kind of way). They aren't Gods, no matter how well they can shoot a plastic gun.
Am I innocent?
Yes, yes I am.
But, in that case, I don't know why we love to hear about it when they break the law. I think, as Gods, we love to hear anything about them, anything juicy we can gossip about. Anything we can shun them about for being flawed, like everyone else. A way to prove they're not worthy of our unfounded praise and adoration - we want Arnold Schwazenegger, he's squeaky-clean, and can almost shoot a plastic gun convincingly!! A way to bump them down a notch or two on the pedestal we, ourselves, put them up on. Prostitution is a bigger business then crack-dealing, yet no one cares about it until Hugh Grant or Charlie Sheen sticks Mr. No-No in someone for money, or Jack Nicholson beats the shit out of someone for asking for money. Of course then their pr is shot, and they lose roles in the next feel-good hit of the summer to Freddie Prinze Jr.
I'm not gonna pay ya, I'm just gonna
BASH YOUR HEAD INTO THE FLOOR
Oh yeah, just for the record, Robert Blake was also an alcoholic.
OOOHHH! *gossip* gossip* And I know this from one-week's worth of publicity over his murder trial.
He's also a dumbass. Apparently Blake hired a hit man to take his wife out into the desert, and bury her. When that plan failed, he hired a hit man to shoot her while she sat in their car. When that plan failed, he hired his bodyguard, who's also on trial but no one gives a shit about because he can't recite Shakespeare as well as Mel Gibson, to jump out of the bushes while Blake and his wife were out for a walk, and shoot her. A plan which also failed.
I don't know how all these plans failed, mayhaps these "hit men" he was hiring were related to him, unless jumping out of the bushes isn't actually the stupidest fucking way to kill someone, they sound about as bright as a game of chess between Keanu Reeves and the brother off Blossom.
Knight to Rook WHOA!
King to WHOA!
You put me in check with your WHOA!
So, apparently Blake decided to take matters into his own hands, and "find" his wife dead in their car. Want to hear his defense?
"Blake told police he had left his wife in the car to return to the restaurant to retrieve his gun, which he had mistakenly left inside. When he got back to the car, he discovered she had been shot."Blake claims his wife's life was in danger, and had started carrying a gun to protect her. The prosecutor fell over in laughter, and pissed his pants. He was seen hi-fiving his friends, and counting his money. Blake later found him dead in the closet, when he went in to get his fucking machete.
This man doesn't deserve more publicity then any other murder, yet they're making a big enough huff out of it to ban any media from the court preceedings. Does anyone really care about some washed-up actor's murder trial enough to want to watch it on TV? Yes, for the love of christ, EVERYONE does. Does anyone know how many people get killed in Toronto every year? No, Bob, not unless they were on Much Music. Blake's more popular now then in the last 30 years, when he was pretending to shoot the gun. And why? Because he was in a Television show only our parents would remember. Now he's going to reap the profits from the made-for-tv murder mini-series, write his best-selling biography - Robert Blake: Buy my book so I can move to the Bamahas, and get out of jail on good behavior. I know I'm being somewhat hypocritical by quasi-perpetuating this problem, but God, I hate the media.
Shame on you all. Shame on you for promoting Freddie Prinze Jr.'s career.
I went to Bible Camp