Bible Boo Boo's

By: Josh
03.22.01

I've wanted to do a sermon about Bible contradictions for a while, I had this odd sort of feeling that there was gonna be quite a few, but the wiles of The Shovel sucked me in. The thing is I didn't know it was a topic on many other minds as well, so when I got around to "researching" it, I was disappointed to discover that it was being done to death currently as well. But, you know what? That has never stopped me before and it's not about to, 'sides it's not like anyone's reading this anyhow, right? So, I'm just gonna forge ahead, and pretend I'm making a contribution to this site. Of course I couldn't find any photos that fit with this type of topic, so you have to go without for now.

Of course all of this is other site's content, and I'm sure someone who happened to have taken a few years of Bible Studies could point out the flaws, just as if I'd taken as many years of Bible study to prove it all a crock. I've had theological arguments with religious people, none what you would call "experts" and none have been able to give me anything of substance. My sister took a Bible Study course for a year once, and came out with the assertion that The Bible was merely a finely crafted piece of literature. I find many say that: it's a nice story, but that's all it is: a story. Well, all I have to say is that I bet a lot of people liked Martha Stewart's book.....I'll leave that one up to you. Here's a few of the contradictions that I found, well contradictions I found that other people had found, er, nevermind, just read it.

Concering Sins:	1Cor. 15:22 "For as in Adam all die, ..." Rom. 5:12 "Wherefore, as by one man sin entered into the world, and death by sin; and so death passed upon all men, for that all have sinned:"
As Opposed to:	Ezekiel 18:20 "The son shall not bear the iniquity of the father." Deuteronomy 24:16 "The fathers shall not be put to death for the children, neither shall the children be put to death for the fathers: every man shall be put to death for his own sin."

Okay, Adam seems to have to be the "father" of the race, correct? So, children shall not be put to death for the sins of their father, but EVERY man since Adam is condemned because of the original sin? Hmm, maybe God works in mysterious waysŠŠ.but, so do hallucinogens.

Many people of the thumping persuasion have discredited much of these contradictions as saying that people were confusing the New with the Old Testaments, taking things out of context, or that the people to blame were the writers/translators. And that the person or persons who wrote the bible in the first place were in fact on peyote for the better part of their religious inspiration. But why would the official text-book of religion be to hard to understand, or have so many possible contradictions? God is all-knowing/seeing, he is infallible, and he would've known the second he created the universe that people would pick apart the bible in this manner, so why wouldn't he have stopped it? Corrected it? Explained things slightly better?ŠŠŠyour guess is as good as mine. *cough*doesn't exist*cough*. Moving on -

Pertainng To Killing:

Exodus 20:13 "Thou shalt not kill." Leviticus
24:17 "And he that killeth any man shall surely be put to death."

Why not? God Does it:

I Samuel 6:19 " . . . and the people lamented because the Lord had smitten many of the people with a great slaughter."
I Samuel 15:2,3,7,8 "Thus saith the Lord . . . Now go and smite Amalek, and utterly destroy all that they have, and spare them not; but slay both man and woman, infant and suckling, ox and sheep, camel and ass. . . . And Saul smote the Amalekites . . . and utterly destroyed all the people with the edge of the sword."

Heh heh, okay, I may have been sniffing one too many cleaning fluids when I started writing this, I mean, I already assert that God is responsible for everyone's death-ever-anyhowŠ..but that's God ordering them to slaughter babies right there! You don't see that every day. Tee Hee, God: The All "Baby-Eating" Mighty. If he's not off killing the Islrealites, he's gotta find something to kill. You know, if Michael J. fox hadn't have gotten Parkinson's, I would almost have claimed it a just and right world. I can only take so much God, and when you fuck with McFly, you're fucking with us all. Moving on.

How about lying?:	Exodus 20:16 "Thou shalt not bear false witness." Proverbs 12:22 "Lying lips are an abomination to the Lord."
Why not? God Does it:	I Kings 22:23 "The Lord hath put a lying spirit in the mouth of all these thy prophets, and the Lord hath spoken evil concerning thee." II Thessalonians 2:11 "And for this cause God shall send them strong delusion, that they should believe a lie."

Hmmmm, an ABOMINATION TO THE LORD! Maybe God's just got low self-esteem, we've already covered how upset he is with Alcoholic, peyote-addict of a son, he spends millennia killing off his "chosen" people, and creating a surprisingly large number of people who consider him a dipshit, enough to make even Andrew Dice Clay cringe. I'm sure he's down on himself about the whole Platypus fiasco. I know I'd never take anyone seriously who mass-produced something so absurd an animal. *cough*furby*cough*.

Did God Ever Touch Your No-Spot?:	James 1:13 "Let no man say . . . I am tempted of God: for God cannot be tempted with evil, neither tempteth he any man."
He Was Tempted(oh man, I'm a comedic genious):	Genesis 22:1 "And it came to pass after these things, that God did tempt Abraham."

How about tempting us with 4 glorious seasons of McFly's Spin City, only to give us Charlie Sheen? God did tempt E-RevŠ.the dirty choir boy-fucker.

Is He a God of Peace?:	Romans 15:33 "The God of peace." Isaiah 2:4 ". . . and they shall beat their swords into plowshares, and their spears into pruninghooks: nation shall not lift up sword against nation, neither shall they learn war any more."
I'm surprised he let any Jews Live:	Exodus 15:3 "The Lord is a man of war." Joel 3:9-10 "Prepare war, wake up the mighty men, let all the men of war draw near; let them come up: Beat your plowshares into swords, and your pruninghooks into spears: let the weak say, I am strong."

Okay, listen people - at THE SECOND OF CREATION, someone who is all knowing, all seeing, and generally smelly, would know the past, present, and future. Sodom and Ghmorrah? Noah's Ark(hmmm, we'll deal with that tomorrow), WWI, WWII, uhm, well Jeez, couldn't God have done anything about this? Yes? No? God works in mysterious ways? Sure, okay, has God's little planet here EVER been at peace?

Has Anyone Seen God?:	John 1:18 "No man hath seen God at any time." Exodus 33:20 "Thou canst not see my face: for there shall no man see me, and live." I John 4:12 "No man hath seen God at any time."
If by God You Mean Michael J. Fox:	Genesis 32:30 "For I have seen God face to face." Exodus 33:11 "And the Lord spake unto Moses face to face, as a man speaketh unto his friend."

H-A-L-U-C-I-N-A-T-I-O-N ! You know, I know I'm not opening anyones eyes with any of this, it's just fun to make fun of this stuff. I promise it'll get better next time.

God? Omnipotent?:	Jeremiah 32:27 "Behold, I am the Lord, the God of all flesh: is there anything too hard for me?
God? Smelly?:	Judges 1:19 "And the Lord was with Judah; and he drave out the inhabitants of the mountain; but could not drive out the inhabitants of the valley, because they had chariots of iron."

There you go, go defeat God, get a little go-kart made of IRON, and defeat GodŠ..bah, who has the energy anymore? I knew he was a pussyfoot all along.

Bible Contradictions:	I Corinthians 14:33 paul said "God is not the author of confusion,"
Go Speed Racer, Go!:	The Bible is the Contradiction here. From the table of contents, right to the back cover, is 600 some-odd pages of out-dated dogma written in Olde English, that has never been understood fully, and completely by ANYONE!

I take that back, the ENTIRE RELIGION is the problem......I don't remember reading anywhere that sexual molestation should become the norm. Sure, there's just as many, if not more, people out there who molest choir boys, but, nah, just let the fuckers get married or at least send the collection plate around twice and get them a hooker on the Sabbath or something.

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Oh yeah, and if you used the cop-out that it was the translator's fault for the misunderstandings, then Bible Code is just one big peyote-hoax. HA! There you go: Bible Code exposed as the Milli Vanilli of the Religious world. Unless of course you don't blame the translators, and then, well, it becomes the word of God that was wrong. And I know God didn't write the bible himself, but obviously he had to have something to do with it, correct? Otherwise, where's the validity in any of it? I may just be running circles around myself here, but I am a fairly large crack addict, and WHY are these "incorrect" copies/versions of the Bible out there for scrutiny then? I smell a cover-up.

A SMALL DISCLAIMER HERE: there's no way I was gonna search through the Bible to find this shit myself, so you can surely count on all of this being "lifted" from any sites I could find. And that was only a tiny amount of them, there was a lot, many weird obscure ones about talking donkeys and such, so, maybe more later.

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