Bible CodeBy: Josh
HOORAY! More Bible! Yup, new low fat Bible, more taste, and just as filling as the old Bible. Anyway, I was conversing with a real nut-job about the Bible recently, and this fantabulous new creation came up; entitled Bible Code. Actually this fellow's a friend of mine, but for our intents and purposes, he's just another nut-job with a Bible and the means to thump with it. So, what's Bible Code you ask? As did I. It's a brand new tool for those crafty Christians to disprove the validity of any and all other religions. Those silly little Christians, well, it breaks down like this, when studied extensively, they discovered that the Bible had made predications into the future, found in words that criss-crossed each other like a crossword puzzle. Yeah, you read it right. An example I got was that somewhere it said CLINTON - PRESIDENT-and something else: could've been IMPEACHMENT, or LEWINSKY, I don't remember. Supposedly this was just a small example, one of many you understand. Take a look at the first picture examples to see what I mean.
Here you see a typical Bible page on the left as viewed by an ASSHOLE, and what is revealed through Bible coding on the right.
Get the idea? They also, apparently checked out all the other religious texts, and found nothing like this in any of them. OF COURSE THEY DIDN'T! If I was a Christian doing this, I wouldn't admit if I found it either. I didn't think to ask if they looked at in each religions language, not translated I mean, and with the applicable countries history in mind, but I'm gonna assume they didn't. They just skimmed the contents page for CLINTON-PRESIDENT-LEWINSKY, then took the rest of the day off to spend some time with the altar boys. Yeah, you read that right - ALTAR BOYS - sick, fucking aholes. I didn't believe him, told him he'd had a little too much of the Sacrificial Wine, but he told me to go find a copy of the book and see for myself. So I did, and boy was I amazed, and frankly a little speechless. I think the following examples will speak for me. Read on to discover the secrets of BIBLE CODE! Page one.
More wonders of Bible Code, did you know that God predicted the Holcaust, of course he did Rev, he knows all. Oh that's right, he knew it was coming all along. Silly me.
WHAT THE FUCK? JEWS PILED HIGH? I mean, why would they brag about this? You can get this book at the library for Christ's sake! Stuff like this is what they're using to prove the existence of their God? On THE FIRST PAGE? Fuck me, I've always asserted that God HATED THE IRSREALITES, but, shit I don't even know what to say about that one. I feel so coldcold and alone. Someone hold me. This next one, on page 666 I might add, was a bit confusing at first.
You get no lame attempt at wit here, I have none left. I had none to begin with
This Bible Code is truly interesting stuff. Fascinating. Gotta catch the mall though? How does one catch the mall? I guess God predicated malls as well as Jew Piles. I pondered this, as the local Pastor ponders the Altar boys, until it cleared itself out for me: Gotta catch them all! I saw the light and it was Pokemon, not only the tool of the Devil now, but also of God. So this is where the creator of those lovable little creatures got his catch phrase fromthe mouth of GOD HIMSELF. I don't know if this should count right, because that "all" isn't really connected to any of the other words. And why, WHY are these things in the Bible? What is the point of hunting down obscure Pokemon references in the Bible, and then publishing books about it? You'd think it was all too crazy and or stupid to be true, wouldn't you? But who am I to question God?moving on.
Okay, no, some things are just sacred. Damnnit!
Joanie loves Chachie? What the hell is the word Chachie doing in the Bible in the first place? This was getting a little too far-fetched for me by this point. I mean, if you look hard enough, if you want to bad enough, you're gonna find anything where you want to. Even God predicting the outstanding success of "Joanie loves Chachie' . Curious there was nothing about "Charles in Charge" in the Bible Code. But Jesus Christ, they're not even trying to fool us into thinking GOD predicated the future through the Bible, and therefore proves himself to the one and truly only God worth worshipping. These people are just leeching on to anything they can and pwaning it off as Divine something-or-other, and get us all riled up like a pack of Trekkies at a Micheal Dorn siting. Hell, after a few hours of reading through the book, I found out that they even caught Matlock in there.
He's everywhere man! I LOVE MATLOCK!
There he was, just waving at me from the page between Commandment one, and commandement two. Just waving and smiling. A little more fortune-telling on God's part? Well, it's all too ridiculous, there's even a "Stile Sux", "Zeppelin Rules", and "Where's the beef?" hidden in this Bible Code! ON THE SAME PAGE PEOPLE! Go out, see the book for yourselves. It's called "Bible Code" fittingly enough. It's good for a larf. So what does this teach us? NOTHING!, except maybe 2 small things. A) that Matlock is GOD ! ! !, and 2) I just wanted to say that Micheal Dorn is the guy who plays Worf on Star Trek. The joke really isn't funny, I'm sorry.
happy birthday to me.