READ THIS: IT COULD SAVE YOUR LIFEBy: Josh
First, it seems that if you want to be a successful Internet writer, you gotta write about pop culture, any media-related subject will get you moist e-panties: the Internet is full of big, dumb nerds, yourself included, try to exploit this. Write about Cartoon shows, Music / TV Stars, etc. Be sure to make fun of them though, you don't want people to think you like anything. Cynicism is the key here, especially when talking about Nintendo. Always remember: people are stupid bastards, they sometimes forget that Britney Spears sucks, try to remind them as much as possible. You get extra points if it's something at least 10 years old, people are so fucking stupid they even forget things from the 80's that sucked.
"LOLOLRFLA! UR SO FUNNI!! A/S/L???!?"
Also try to include Mr. T as much as humanly possible.
Secondly, your humor: it must be dry, and witty, and full of inside jokes about how much everything really sucks. There's three people reading this who're laughing right now, and they're all members of Monty Python. They're laughing their god damned asses off at how funny I am. What about you? You suck. I'm funny, you're just not smart enough to get my jokes. Asshole.
Which brings me to the third point in the pattern of successful Internet writer: you... are... better... than everyone!! If you make sure everyone knows that you are cooler than them, yet still play with toys and spend your time in Transformer chat rooms, they'll not only feel better about what huge nerds they are, but you'll feel better about the guys in the comic store who make fun of your Mario Bros. rub-on tattoo, because when you're at home, looking at Japanime tentacle porn and playing with the limited edition reissue "shiny" Optimus Prime, YOU ARE GOD...
I myself have made careful to do all of these: I only turned down the free Planet Of The Apes rub-on tattoo because my mother was there and she likes to pretend that girls like me, and I'll get married and have children one day. But, still, something was missing, I was not the most revered Internet writer on the whole e-planet. One thing I noticed in the pattern was many sites have at least one other writer, who pretty much carries the site for the webmaster, in humour and quality. And I thought: hey, perhaps if I ramble on about Internet writing I can somehow find a way to tie it in to my announcement about me bringing another, better, writer on-board.
And then I realized that it just wouldn't work.
So, I'm not going to hypocritically ramble on about Internet writing, I'm just going to tell you that I'm bringing a new writer on-board. And let you all anxiously await his arrival. In a month you'll forget why you ever liked me, this guy's better then marshmallow fluff... believe it. He manages to keep me entertained endlessly, without following the tiresome pattern that I decided not to ramble on about, and will be a damn fine improvement to this shitty writing section. With him helping me out, I wont feel so bad about only being able to update monthly. So not only can you expect some new, quality writing on DC soon, but more writing from me.
A-HA! Get it? GET IT??
oh god, I suck.
[side note: I wanted to say thank you to everyone who commented on my leave-of-absence. I really appreciate it, you all make me wet . . . in that gay, dancy way]