a n i m a t i o n . w o r d s & p i c t u r e s . f o r u m

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The 13th Apostle: A Biography

By: Josh
06.09.01

A lot of superstitions are based on old stupid crap that doesn't hold true today: opening an umbrella indoors for example. It WAS bad luck because you broke all the shit in your house, they had smaller houses, so it's bad luck, you had to buy new crap. Same with breaking a mirror being 7 years bad luck. They were poor bastards then, it took 'em 7 years to save up to buy another. I have no idea where 13 started as an unlucky number, but I have my suspicions that it was because of this loony.

Meet The Apostle Paul

Age: 2000 years deceased, killed by the Romans

Weight: No clue, but I'm sure he was fat, old bastard

Marital Status: The man was celibate... his love came from Jebus!

Story: Paul was around when Jesus was, but he was pretty anti-all-that-Jesus-crap, until one day, after Jesus died and allegedly came back, Paul had an epileptic seizure and went blind for 3 days. He woke up, and decided to take over the world, er, convert the world to be prepared for Jesus' return. See, he thought Jesus was coming back within his lifetime, not that we'd still be sitting around, over 2000 years later, with jesus.com as our only source of jesusy-goodness. So, Paul goes on a quest, and became the first "preacher" of modern day society. And, as I mentioned in Hostile Takeovers he has to resort to any means necessary to make the world Jesus' slave.

So eventually, after taking all the beliefs of other religions and telling people that Jesus was the same as that, but, you know, better! He absorbed all their holidays etc. etc., he threw off the old shackles/requirements of having to be Jewish and circumcised and started accepting anyone who wanted in. All this kinda pissed off the Jews, so the religion(s) split to Judaism and Christianity, 'cause they were different enough by that point not to make any sense as one religion.

The First Preacher - Look At That Face

Notable: "(The pagans Paul convinced to convert) believed that by eating a sacrificed bull's flesh and drinking its blood they would be born again just as life itself had once been created anew from the bull's blood." To explain why this is notable, you know that shit they make you eat at church on Sunday? PAUL IS TO BLAME FOR THAT! It's not even a part of the original frigging religion, he just bullshitted some crap about Jesus being sacrificed for our sins! Crock - of - shit! ALL OF IT! And I'll tell you one thing for sure, I'm glad he's dead, the bastard.

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